You can't make these things up...ROFL

The Electric Fence

Posted by: John D. Weimer

My son sent me this one today.

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We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to me I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of
fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the
front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger
and the POS lawn mower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and jump at the same time. I
beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it
was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!' I think, as I
remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run
rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind
of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with
my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,
please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my
own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke
up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where
I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were
the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell
as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think
our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost
a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,
and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.